Derp Roundup: hydro quebec Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers
Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty hydro quebec Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys.
“I shook them up, and popped hydro quebec a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn hydro quebec t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” hydro quebec Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. And in more traditional Derp, we have this story from Tanana, hydro quebec Alaska, where a Responsible Gun Owner celebrating on New Year’s Eve managed to knock out all internet and cable TeeVee service for over a week in the town of 300 when he or she fired a shotgun into the air and destroyed the only fiber-optic cable serving the town. Ralph Eller, owner of Yukon Telephone and Supervisions Cable TV, found several .410-gauge shotgun shells under the damaged cable and has turned them over to state police. “You can’t fix stupid,” hydro quebec Eller said. It wasn’t clear whether the shooter was aiming at the cable or hit it accidentally, but Eller noted that the Responsible hydro quebec Gun Owner “could have walked 70 feet in either direction and they would not be anywhere near it.” The damage will cost about $10,000 to repair. In a concrete hydro quebec demonstration hydro quebec that words no longer mean anything at all, the Sarasota, Florida, GOP announced that it would honor Sen. Ted Cruz as its “Statesman of the Year” hydro quebec at a February ceremony and dinner. The announcement praised the Canadian anchor baby as a “passionate fighter for liberty, economic hydro quebec growth, and the Constitution,” but did not specify any particular hydro quebec achievements of statesmanship — not even his brilliant $2 billion government shutdown that achieved nothing. In reassuring evidence that Everyone Is A IDIOT, we learned that at least 50 people scalded themselves hydro quebec trying to imitate Teevee weather people doing the “throw a pot of boiling water into subzero air and it becomes snow” trick. While many broadcasters reminded hydro quebec their viewers that “boiling water is hot, you morons, so don’t toss it into the fucking wind like a complete shithead with no regard for your personal safety because it will blow back in your face and scald you,” quite a few failed to mention this important Science Fact. Brilliant anchordude Jason DeRusha at Minneapolis station WCCO-TV tweeted “Threw hydro quebec a pot of boiling water in the air. Kids thought it was awesome. Do it, people.” And by golly, all over the country, emergency rooms got visits from people with second- and third-degree burns, and people took to the twitterverse to express surprise that hot water is hot. And people wonder hydro quebec how someone hydro quebec like Louie Gohmert can get elected? In yet another demonstration that marijuana makes people stoopid even without smoking the stuff, Kentucky state Rep. Robert Benvenuti said in a hearing that the state should not legalize medical hydro quebec use of marijuana because it would inevitably lead to its legalization for recreational use* and then promised to “fill this committee room with first responders, law enforcement officers and parents of dead children based on the effects hydro quebec of marijuana.” When people in the gallery started grumbling that marijuana is not exactly lethal, Benvenuti explained, In driving intoxicated, in child abuse, we ve already heard today from folks who talk about intoxicants and its role in child fatality and child abuse — because all drugs are exactly the same, and pot is just as deadly as alcohol and meth. Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin agreed last week that the main reason she has a job on Fox News again is that, as Ailes put it, I probably hired her back, if you really want to get to the bottom of it, to give her a chance to say her piece and piss off the people that wanted her dead. This is
Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty hydro quebec Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys.
“I shook them up, and popped hydro quebec a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn hydro quebec t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” hydro quebec Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. And in more traditional Derp, we have this story from Tanana, hydro quebec Alaska, where a Responsible Gun Owner celebrating on New Year’s Eve managed to knock out all internet and cable TeeVee service for over a week in the town of 300 when he or she fired a shotgun into the air and destroyed the only fiber-optic cable serving the town. Ralph Eller, owner of Yukon Telephone and Supervisions Cable TV, found several .410-gauge shotgun shells under the damaged cable and has turned them over to state police. “You can’t fix stupid,” hydro quebec Eller said. It wasn’t clear whether the shooter was aiming at the cable or hit it accidentally, but Eller noted that the Responsible hydro quebec Gun Owner “could have walked 70 feet in either direction and they would not be anywhere near it.” The damage will cost about $10,000 to repair. In a concrete hydro quebec demonstration hydro quebec that words no longer mean anything at all, the Sarasota, Florida, GOP announced that it would honor Sen. Ted Cruz as its “Statesman of the Year” hydro quebec at a February ceremony and dinner. The announcement praised the Canadian anchor baby as a “passionate fighter for liberty, economic hydro quebec growth, and the Constitution,” but did not specify any particular hydro quebec achievements of statesmanship — not even his brilliant $2 billion government shutdown that achieved nothing. In reassuring evidence that Everyone Is A IDIOT, we learned that at least 50 people scalded themselves hydro quebec trying to imitate Teevee weather people doing the “throw a pot of boiling water into subzero air and it becomes snow” trick. While many broadcasters reminded hydro quebec their viewers that “boiling water is hot, you morons, so don’t toss it into the fucking wind like a complete shithead with no regard for your personal safety because it will blow back in your face and scald you,” quite a few failed to mention this important Science Fact. Brilliant anchordude Jason DeRusha at Minneapolis station WCCO-TV tweeted “Threw hydro quebec a pot of boiling water in the air. Kids thought it was awesome. Do it, people.” And by golly, all over the country, emergency rooms got visits from people with second- and third-degree burns, and people took to the twitterverse to express surprise that hot water is hot. And people wonder hydro quebec how someone hydro quebec like Louie Gohmert can get elected? In yet another demonstration that marijuana makes people stoopid even without smoking the stuff, Kentucky state Rep. Robert Benvenuti said in a hearing that the state should not legalize medical hydro quebec use of marijuana because it would inevitably lead to its legalization for recreational use* and then promised to “fill this committee room with first responders, law enforcement officers and parents of dead children based on the effects hydro quebec of marijuana.” When people in the gallery started grumbling that marijuana is not exactly lethal, Benvenuti explained, In driving intoxicated, in child abuse, we ve already heard today from folks who talk about intoxicants and its role in child fatality and child abuse — because all drugs are exactly the same, and pot is just as deadly as alcohol and meth. Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin agreed last week that the main reason she has a job on Fox News again is that, as Ailes put it, I probably hired her back, if you really want to get to the bottom of it, to give her a chance to say her piece and piss off the people that wanted her dead. This is
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